Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
