My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
