i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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