and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
