Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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