I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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