I'm so fucking centered right now
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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