She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Randomize
