I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
