You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
