Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
