No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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