OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
