And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
