I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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