i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
