It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
