Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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