you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
