I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
