Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
