my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
