I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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