Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
