i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
