Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
