her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
