if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
