omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
