see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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