i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
