I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
