He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
