I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
