Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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