So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let's get the cat blown out
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
