My room smells like vodka and shame
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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