and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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