The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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