We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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