I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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