I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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