ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
