I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
