please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
why is half of my head shaved?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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