I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
