I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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