By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
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