my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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