why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
