I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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